Are You Speaking Her Language?

"Wo ai ni"


I just finished reading the book "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman this week and there was something very profound that I learned from it.  Check this out from his book.


"My academic training is in the area of anthropology.  Therefore, I have studied in the area of linguistics, which identifies a number of major language groups:  Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French and so on.  Most of us grow up learning thee language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue.  later we may learn additional languages - but usually with much more effort.  These become our secondary languages.  We speak and understand best our native language.  We feel most comfortable speaking that language.  The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it.  If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited."


He goes on to talk about how in relationships we may actually speak a different love language than our spouse, and in reading this it dawned on me why exactly my bride doesn't always understand me when I am loving her.  It's because I don't naturally speak her language.  Dr. Chapman talked about five different love languages, let me lay them out for you before I go any further.


Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words.  If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.  Hearing the words, "I love you," are important - hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirit skyward.  Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.


Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there - with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby - makes your spouse feel truly special and loved.  Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.


Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.  If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.  A missed birthday, anniversary or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous - so would the absence of everyday gestures.


Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love?  Absolutely!  Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes.  The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you."  Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn't all about the bedroom.  A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy.  Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face - they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care and love.  Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

The thing then that we need to do in our marriage relationship is determine what our love language is, and also that of our spouse.  If you are not certain what your love language is, click here which will take you to Dr. Chapman's website and you can take the assessment test to determine it.

I felt that I knew what my primary two love languages were after reading the book but taking the assessment confirmed it for me.  I am a Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation kind of guy.  And after having read this book, I realized that I have been using those two languages to convey my love to my bride.  The only problem with that is that her primary language is Acts of Service.  

It's kind of like this, take for instance that your native tongue is English.  Have you ever been around someone or actually been that someone yourself when you met a new person from another country who spoke a different language?  Have you ever noticed how we tend to speak louder and slower?  It's almost as if speaking louder and slower is some magical elixir which will render the hearer the ability to understand your words.

Well it's like that in a marriage where the two people speak differing love languages.  For the better part of 24 years I've been loving Cheryl with Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, yet what tells her that I love her is when I clean the kitchen and take out the trash.

There is a movie called "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, while I have not actually seen this movie, and the reviewers don't give it very good reviews there is one part that actually illustrates what I've been saying.  In the movie she (Aniston) tells him (Vaughn) that she wants him to WANT to do the dishes.  To which he replies, "Why would I WANT to do the dishes?"  While this is funny, it is actually kind of what has been going on at my house for quite some time.

You see, I will go out and mow the yard, do dishes or laundry and tell Cheryl that I did that for her.  To which she responds, no David, you did it for you too.  You live in this house so you didn't do it for me, you did it just as much for yourself.  The only problem with her thinking is that I did in fact do it for her, because I just don't care about those things.  I could live in a world where I pull clean laundry from the dryer and if the grass was up to my waist I really wouldn't care.  Now while I enjoy living in a house that is not filthy, I could do it.

So when I do things that I don't necessarily like to do, or even for that matter want to do, it is usually because I know that my bride likes those things done, and now I realize that all of the words of affirmation that I have told her (which I will continue to do too) have not meant as much to her as when I take it upon myself to "WANT" to do the dishes and do them.  And that is what learning to speak your spouse's love language is all about.  Showing them that you love them in the way that they understand love.  

As I said in Mandarin Chinese at the beginning of this blog, "Wo ai ni" which translates into English, "I love you."  We actually need to love and be loved in the way we understand it.    Which takes time and effort but will pay off dividends unlike any you could ever imagine.  So keep at it you guys, find out her language and then learn how to speak it.